75 Best Bagel Jokes: Dirty, Jewish, Bad, & Kid-Friendly Jokes About Bagels
Bagels aren’t just a treat for the taste buds—they’re a punchline waiting to happen if you’re into food jokes.
Whether you’re a bagel lover, a fan of cheesy humor, or just here for some laughs, these 75 bagel jokes are the perfect mix of spicy, sweet, and a little bit naughty.
From the best bagel jokes to dirty, bad, and Jewish jokes about bagels, this list has a little something for everyone.
So grab your favorite bagel (don’t skimp on the schmear), sit back, and get ready to laugh your hole off!
20 Best Bagel Jokes
Much like puns about bagels, Bagel jokes are a fantastic way to enjoy some hearty food related laughs. These 20 best bagel jokes are crafted to bring joy and humor to any situation.
From clever punchlines to witty twists, these jokes will entertain bagel lovers and humor enthusiasts alike.
1. The bagel felt crumby, so it went to see a therapist. “I feel so empty inside,” the bagel confessed. The therapist replied, “Maybe you need to fill that hole with something meaningful, like cream cheese.”
2. Once upon a time, a slice of bread and a bagel were having an argument. The slice of bread said, “You’ll never be as versatile as me!” The bagel replied, “At least I have a hole in one!”
3. A bagel wanted to apologize to its partner but didn’t know how. It finally said, “I dough-nut know what I’d do without you. Please forgive me.”
4. A bagel dreamed of becoming an athlete, so it joined a rugby team. During its first game, it quickly realized it loved the scrum—it was a natural fit!
5. Determined to stay in shape, the bagel signed up for the gym. When its friends asked why, it said, “I need to get more hole-some.”
6. A bagel loved listening to music. When asked its favorite genre, it confidently answered, “Roll-n-roll, of course!”
7. One day, a bagel decided to cross the road. When someone asked why, the bagel simply replied, “To schmear myself on the other side.”
8. A bagel won the lottery and couldn’t contain its excitement. It shouted, “I’m on a roll!”
9. In the sweltering summer heat, a bagel stayed cool by chilling in the cooler. It always knew how to keep its cool.
10. A bagel had a secret but couldn’t keep it toasted. Every time someone asked, it blushed and spilled the beans—or rather, the crumbs.
11. At the bakery, the bagel always reminded the baker, “Dough not forget about me!”
12. The bagel turned red when it saw the butter getting spread. It thought to itself, “I’ve never seen something so smooth.”
13. A bagel loved to twist and turn. When asked its favorite exercise, it replied, “The twist, naturally!”
14. Taking its driving test, the bagel struggled to stay in its lane. The instructor sighed, “You’re too twisted for this.”
15. At a party, one bagel greeted another with enthusiasm, “Let’s get baked tonight!”
16. Known for its comedy, the bagel always had the best twist endings. It loved hearing people laugh.
17. When the bagel saw the doughnut, it exclaimed, “We’re on a roll together!”
18. A bagel was trying to practice law but always got in a twist. Its clients loved it for its hole-hearted efforts.
19. Every morning, the bagel greeted the day with a cheery, “Rye there!”
20. The bagel joined the cooler during summer, saying, “It’s time to chill out.”
15 Bad Bagel Jokes
Not all jokes have to be top-tier to bring a smile. Sometimes, the charm lies in their cheesiness or how bad they are.
These 15 bad bagel jokes embrace the groan-worthy and the eye-roll-inducing humor that still manages to entertain.
1. There was a bagel that believed it could fly. It told everyone, “I’m just a plain bagel with big dreams.”
2. After breaking up with the muffin, the bagel found someone better and said, “I knead someone who’s butter for me.”
3. When the bagel wanted to ask someone out, it tried to flirt by saying, “Are you bready for a date with me?”
4. At the bakery, a rude customer got served by a bagel who said, “Don’t be such a crustacean.”
5. Deciding to further its education, the bagel went to school, announcing, “I’m here for a little bready-cation.”
6. The bagel’s least favorite month was October. It always complained, “It’s the crustiest time of the year.”
7. In an attempt to be punctual, the bagel sat on the clock. When asked why, it replied, “I wanted to be on time.”
8. Everyone laughed when they saw a bagel with wings. They said, “Look, it’s a beagle bagel!”
9. Trying to stop a bagel from moving, someone suggested, “Put a lox on it!”
10. A bagel with a PhD was always referred to as a “smart cookie” by its friends.
11. The bagel loved watching game shows and always cheered for its favorite, “The Yeast is Right.”
12. People admired how the bagel always stayed calm. It never got in a twist about anything.
13. When asked about its favorite color, the bagel enthusiastically said, “I love all the colors in a rye-nbow!”
14. At breakfast, the bagel told the coffee, “We make a perfect pair.”
15. Avoiding a card game, the bagel explained, “I don’t want to get in a shuffle.”
10 Bagel Jokes for Kids
Kids love a good joke, and bagel jokes are no exception. These 10 bagel jokes are perfect for young audiences, combining simplicity with humor that kids can easily understand and enjoy.
Whether you’re looking to entertain at breakfast or just want to share some laughs with your little ones, these jokes are sure to be a hit. They’re wholesome, fun, and sure to bring giggles to any kid’s day.
1. Bagels are always happy because they’re on a roll! Even when things get tough, they just keep rolling along.
2. A clown made a bagel laugh so hard, it almost turned into toast. “You really crack me up!” the bagel said.
3. Every day, the bagel woke up excited, saying, “This is the yeast I can do!”
4. At recess, bagels loved playing their favorite game—Hole-y Ball. It’s always a fun time!
5. To keep its hair tidy, a bagel used a dough-nut. It always looked perfectly twisted.
6. A bagel and a pancake met at breakfast. The bagel complimented, “You’re flipping amazing!”
7. One summer, a bagel decided to go to the beach to get a little toasted. It came back perfectly golden brown.
8. When the phone rang, the bagel answered, “Bagel here! How can I help you?”
9. At the zoo, the bagel’s favorite animal was the lox. It always felt a special connection.
10. Invited to every party, the bagel was known for knowing how to roll and have a great time with everyone.
17 Dirty Bagel Jokes
1. I like my bagels how I like my love life—hot, steamy, and with a little cream cheese.
2. Bagels are like relationships: sometimes you just want to sink your teeth into one and get straight to the good stuff.
3. My bagel was jealous of my toaster… I guess it couldn’t handle the heat.
4. Is it just me, or does the hole in a bagel feel like it’s asking for some attention?
5. What did the bagel say after a wild night out? “I’m feeling a little toasted.”
6. Bagels are like lovers—better when they’re fresh, warm, and ready to be devoured.
7. I once tried a bagel in bed. Now I’m addicted to morning buns too.
8. Bagels without cream cheese are like nights without passion—completely unsatisfying.
9. My bagel likes it rough—extra toasted and smothered in butter.
10. I told my partner I wanted to try something new with a bagel. They said, “Kinky.”
11. Nothing beats the feeling of sliding your teeth into a soft bagel… unless you’re talking about Fridays.
12. Every bagel has a hole, but it takes the right filling to make it special.
13. My love life is like a bagel—sometimes I just want to spread it around.
14. I asked the bagel shop if they could make my order extra spicy—they winked and handed me a jalapeño bagel.
15. Bagels are better with a little lox. Just like weekends are better with some locks… on the bedroom door.
16. My toaster gave my bagel a love bite. Now it’s got a burn mark, but it’s still irresistible.
17. I told my bagel I wanted it “everything.” It replied, “Careful, you might bite off more than you can chew.”
13 Jewish Bagel Jokes
1. Why did the bagel go to synagogue? To get a little more hole-y.
2. My grandmother’s bagels are so good, they should come with a blessing.
3. Why did the Jewish bagel start a debate? It couldn’t agree on which side to schmear.
4. I dated a Jewish bagel once—it was the perfect blend of sweet and savory.
5. Bagels are proof that Jewish culture knows how to fill every hole with something meaningful.
6. What’s a Jewish bagel’s favorite book? “The Lox and the Schmear.”
7. My Jewish friend said, “You can’t beat a warm bagel with lox.” I said, “You’re right. That’s Torah-ly amazing.”
8. Bagels are the only food that understand Jewish guilt: always round, always coming back full circle.
9. I took my bagel to a bar mitzvah. It was the *toast* of the party.
10. Why did the bagel get a therapist? It couldn’t handle the pressure of being everyone’s favorite.
11. A Jewish mother’s love is like a bagel—warm, fulfilling, and slightly overwhelming if you eat too much.
12. What did the rabbi say to the bagel? “Schmear with care, my friend.”
13. Jewish bagels are like traditions—they take time, but they’re worth every bite.
How to Come Up with Your Own Bagel Jokes
Creating your own bagel jokes can be a fun and creative exercise. Here are some tips to help you come up with the perfect punchlines:
- Play on Bagel Characteristics: Think about the shape, texture, and common toppings of a bagel. Play around with the hole in the middle, the fluffiness, or the way it gets toasted to perfection.
- Use Puns and Wordplay: Bagels offer endless opportunities for puns. Use words like “hole,” “crust,” “spread,” “cheese,” or “toasted” to create clever twists.
- Incorporate Bagel Culture: Think about bagels in the context of different settings—eating them at brunch, making them at home, or even their place in Jewish culture. You can also play off how bagels are often associated with specific foods like lox, cream cheese, and butter.
- Use Relatable Situations: Draw inspiration from everyday scenarios where bagels might make an appearance—at the breakfast table, on a date, or even at a bagel shop. Make those moments funny or unexpected.
- Make It Personal: Consider your own experiences with bagels. Do you always get the same topping? Are you a fan of “everything” bagels? A personal connection can make the joke feel more genuine.
- Keep It Simple: The best jokes often come from simple observations. A small, quirky detail about bagels can lead to the funniest punchlines.
- Experiment with Timing: Sometimes the humor comes not just from the words but from how you say it. Try mixing the setup and punchline for a bit of surprise and laughter.
